Facing Fears

I’m not sure about facing new fears every day, but it sure feels great when one is conquered on occasion. Yep, that photo is me facing a fear this month. I was invited to speak at an Authors’ Luncheon sponsored by the Camarillo Branch of the American Association of University Women (AAUW). I was told to expect an audience of approximately two hundred. I’d have twenty minutes to speak.

I was a nervous wreck!

True, as a teacher I’ve stood in front of a classroom of adults and even the toughest of audiences—TEENAGERS—so why be nervous? But this was different. I wasn’t talking about nouns and verbs or Steinbeck’sOf Mice and Men. This was about me—my path to writing and my novel, Luz.

Could I relax enough to sound natural? Would my story be of interest for twenty whole minutes?

True, I’ve done numerous virtual events sinceLuz was published in 2020, but this would be in-person, with a microphone, and an audience expecting to be entertained and informed. A captive audience that couldn’t log off and switch to Netflix.

They’d be staring at me. I’d see their faces.

Nothing like feeling vulnerable.

But there’s also nothing like facing a fear, confronting a challenge, and win or lose, feeling a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

I remember on my fortieth birthday, I was determined to conquer my fear of roller coasters. I used to take my kids to Magic Mountain and watch them from the safety of solid ground, yet longing to be up there, wondering what it felt like. That slow upward climb and then a sudden steep drop. Or being flipped upside down and round and round and round—and round.

So to celebrate the big 4-0, I took a deep breath and did it. I rode Batman, Viper, and Colossus. Was it fun? Sort of. Was it something I wanted to do over and over again? Hell, no. But did I feel a sense of triumph and pride? Absolutely.

In my fifties, I took on the challenge of riding a horse, an experience that, as many of you know, changed my life dramatically. Horses now consume my life. Presently, I own two: a Quarter Horse, Jack, and a mini-horse, Luke. I’m also immersed in research concerning America’s Wild Mustangs as they’re an important part of my current novel-in-progress.

If I hadn’t ridden a horse at fifty, I would have missed out on a journey that has added so much to my life. I’m currently working on a series of essays called “Never About Riding / Always About the Horse” which I’ll be posting on my blog next year. The essays begin with the first sparks that led me to pursue horses; then the amazing eight years with my first horse, Fire Mountain; and the numerous joys and challenges as I took on Jack, and then Luke.

Of course, I was in my sixties when I took the big step of publishing a novel. Another pursuit that certainly involved being vulnerable. So I’ve had some practice at taking deep breaths and stepping beyond my comfort zone.

Doing this twenty minute speech was next.

Of course, the AAUW Author’s Luncheon turned out to be a lovely event, with kind and generous women who made me feel welcome right away. While I was nervous as I approached the podium, I relaxed once I got started. Afterwards, several women spoke of being moved or inspired; a few said that they felt I had told their story. One woman asked if I’d speak at Ventura’s Rotary Club. We have since set the date for February 2023.

Will I be nervous come February when it’s time to speak in-person, with a mic, to a roomful of men and women? Perhaps a bit, but I’ll be armed with the courage that comes with experience. For as Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave [woman] is not [she] who does not feel afraid, but [she] who conquers that fear.”